My penchant for voyeurism sucks sometimes.
I started swinging with my first wife before we were married
- I'd watch her with my friends. I developed into an
obsession that continued on into relationships (short
term and long term). My last one of 6 years we did a lot, she
having 45 different men during that time - I watched it all
and loved it. I get stuck in the fantasy of being in her head
and the other guys head and the rush they are both enjoying.
Even my masturbation is gauged on this. Now, I have been
single for several years and without sex for months. It
seems to me to be due to two things - 1. I am changing things
negative in my life - hanging with better adjusted people
and not drinking and drugging anymore. BUT the fantasies
persist. The only place "we" found participants
was in bars or places where chemicals were ingested. 2.
I am not adjusted to the new ways in which to approach women
with this, the ultimate goal on my mind, whether a short
one nighter or a long term love drawing me to her. Thus, I
am on these sites checking out ladies to find an honest?,
loyal?, swinging partner.
MY RANT/RAVE - - Damn! I hate these voyeuristic thoughts/fantasies
that keep coming up when I think of a lady I am attracted to.
Why can't it be me and her making love. AND/OR - - Why
can't I find a lady to quench the desire I so thirst for
- ONE OR THE OTHER PLEASE!!!!!!!!
or does the possibility of both exist.
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