Female blunders
Boring Foreplay
One common complaint men have about women's approach
to foreplay is that women just plop there, la-dee-da, as
if strapped to a lounge chair on a pleasure cruise, not lifting
a finger. Some guys wish they had a more sizzling, less passive
lover who enjoyed sex as much as they do, and who would occasionally
make fantasies come true.
What you can do: First off, be careful what you ask for. Men
often fantasize about the hedonistic woman who radiates
sexual charisma. She'll love all sorts of sex and may
even want to initiate threesomes or naked pool parties
to liven things up. Unfortunately, fantasy doesn't
always make great reality. The perpetually horny or aggressive
woman can place more demands on your body than you ultimately
want. That having been said, you can improve things by communicating
with your lover what you wish she'd do. Be specific.
"Be more exciting" is not specific. "It
really turns me on when you jiggle your breasts in front
of my face" is more specific. Keep in mind that women
(like men) often need permission 'the green light'
to act sexually bold. Encourage her by complimenting her
and showing your appreciation, especially when she does
something you like.
Fantasy Dampers
Many men think that women often throw cold water on hot sexual
fantasies. Many women don't like nasty sex and can't
get into stories about multiple sex partners or other exotic
delights. Men often believe they need to keep their favorite
erotic thoughts hidden from the woman they love, and often
feel stuck in a small box of limited acceptable behaviors.
What you can do: First remember that the biggest threat
for a woman in sharing your sexual fantasies is unfavorable
comparison. She assumes that if you fantasize about something,
you want it for real, and if you're not fantasizing
specifically about her, you don't love her as much
as you did. Her repulsion to your fantasy may more accurately
be her fear of failing to live up to your wishes. Incidentally,
women have fantasy lives that they hide, too, but women
tend to fantasize more about thrilling relationships
than sexual activities. A mental sex life supercharges
foreplay, and having your woman share the fantasy can be
awesome. Help her understand the difference between your
fantasy life and your real-life expectations. Make it
safe for your mate to play in your mental world. Meanwhile,
realize for yourself that trying to convert an exotic sexual
fantasy into a reality can be costly. For example, you may
have wild fantasies about the swinging lifestyle, yet
your mate may shudder at the thought. Although we'd
love to see a happy ending, you could pressure her relentlessly
to attend a swing party, only to discover afterwards it
was nowhere near worth all the fighting it took to get there.
Sometimes sticking with fantasy is best.
Sexual Guilt and Shame
Women often play with guilt and shame as a subtle means of
manipulating foreplay to tone down the heat of sex. They
may feel a need for more romance than their lovers are giving.
They may feel morally repulsed by what their man wants.
They may be bored by the sex they have, and may choose the
rhetoric of guilt and shame to cool your jet and avoid sex
altogether.
What you can do: If this is a new relationship, you and your
lover may have a sexual values conflict that could last
a lifetime. She may not be your best choice of partner. If
this is a new trend in an established relationship, it's
time for a long talk. Her dumps of guilt and shame are expressions
of anger, which may have nothing to do with sex. Find out
what's bothering her; this may necessitate professional
counseling. Beneath the macho mask, many men are quite
vulnerable to sexual criticism. Guilt and shame are slow
destroyers of self-esteem, joy, and romance. If the criticism
is constant, you probably need positive reinforcement
that sex is okay.
Sexual Vampires
When some women dress and act in seductive ways, they're
venting their anger at men. They frustrate men by leading
them on, then leaving them cold, 'the classic cocktease'.
Or like strippers and hookers, they capitalize on their
sex appeal for gain. Lonely men are the usual victims, as
they're more willing to put up with the bull to get to
the sweets, which in this case may never arrive. If is happens,
the sex is often angry. She's seething inside even
when she's being wild. She's not bubbling over
with warmth; rather, she looks icy and may talk with a sharp
tongue. Other sexual vampires are needy women who suck
your energy with their demands for constant attention.
What you can do: If you're not already hooked, think
twice about taking the bait, sexy as it may be. It's
said that love conquers all, but you have to decide how much
energy you can afford. The anger and shallow self-esteem
that create a sexual vampire often requires a therapist
to work through. You need to understand that you can't
save or reform someone who doesn't want it.
You Say No.
If you've ever been the first guy to say no to a horny
lady, you may be in for an interesting tantrum. Most women
have little concept that men don't want sex every waking
moment. In seduction, a woman usually sets the pace by finally
saying yes to a man who's been pursuing her. She isn't
used to asking for sex, and is even less used to hearing not
tonight, honey; at least until a few years into a monogamous
relationship. She may have gone through an elaborate ritual
to look wonderful, or she may have planned a romantic surprise.
No not only means no; it means she's wasted time.
What you can do: No is a legitimate response for a man. However,
reassure her that the timing is wrong, not her. You have
business on your mind or you're exhausted or whatever.
Don't insult her for being horny. Instead, perfect
some sensuous alternatives that you can share with her,
such as cuddling, light massages, hot tubbing, or a less
demanding way to reach orgasm, such as mutual masturbation
or quiet oral sex.
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